Angst, Muffin, Angst, etc
by missy mee
Summary: It's a hard old life, being an extraordinarily beautiful Mary Sue with an angsty tale that's longer even than her hair. Because an American exchange is so, like, totally canon.
1. Chapter 1

**Something that my friend and I wrote in music cover coz we were bored. Enjoy! Or, you know, send me to the loony ward. I probably deserve it.**

_**I'm reposting this - my former version had celeb bashing which isn't allowed, so I went back to change it. **_

"I really doubt that there'll be an incredibly attractive American exchange student with a dark and tragic past," Ron said casually over dinner. Harry nodded.

"I agree. I mean, it's never happened before. Why should it happen now?"

And then she walked in.

Actually, she didn't walk, it was more like floating. Yes, that's it. A very gorgeous cloud, floating along.

**Yes, here come the reams of tedious description**

She had long glittering, shiny, glistening, sparkly, pearl sheened, shimmering golden hair, which, for obvious reasons, helped her to communicate with animals. Which did, on occasion,come in handy.

She was wearing school uniform under a long, flowy azure blue cloak, which she flung aside, casually yet sexily. On her shirt was embroided the sacred symol of the Nhuggle Nhuggle tribe, the sacred sign of tgtrgergerg$g iluhtb$:;;;

Her sunray tresses, although tied back for safety reasons (trip hazard and lust induced fainting) but they still flowed with long gorgeousness.

She was bright blue, which somehow looked great with her glittering, shiny, glistening, sparkly, pearl sheened, shimmering golden hair , (which was, by the way, COMPLETELY NATURAL!)

She defied the laws of man and physics by being both ludicrously skinny but at the same time, sexily curvy. Those curves were, it goes without saying, in all the right places. Her amazing body was enhanced by the way she'd artfully ripped her school shirt to show off her midriff, and her skirt to show off an endless pair of legs. The teachers were, by the way, completely cool with this. School rules always change to accomodate attractive people.

She also had a pale green birthmark in the exact centre of her back, a birthmark oddly resembling Michael Jackson. This meant that she had a spritual connection with him which, again, came in handy.

"Ah hee hee hee!"

The freaky laugh sounded weirdly beautiful coming from her pouting lips.

"I am like, so PSYCHED to be here! I'm Tia, and I'm from New York/Tokyo/Third World **(A/N, sets her up for a tragic past, comprende?)**

Many fainted from this sheer coolness. Tia looked concerned, as she was obviously an incredibly nice person, but didn't bother to go and help sort them out.

"Is that why you're like, blue?" Dumbledore asked. He was English, and therefore didn't know the meaning of the word 'tan', because us Brits are dead ignorant. And also, he was too busy building an ark.

Tia shook her head, and said modestly,

"Actually, no. My unusual colouring is because I'm descended from royalty. My father is the fairy king of all Canada."

"So you're a fairy?" Harry (for no conceivable reason) grinned. Tia shook her head.

"No. I'm half fairy, half vampire, my best friend's cousin's accountant's sister is Voldemort's hairdresser (well, wig dresser. Voldemort is actually bald.), so we're practically related, I'm also half elf, half eskimo and half chav. Yeah but no but yeah but..." **(If you're not british you probably won't get that. You want an explanation, review and ask)**

"I now understand the logic of your being blue," Dumbledore said understandingly and wisely, because everything Dumbledore says is wise, and the author feels it necessary to point this out. "Would you like to tell us about your past? We're all a little too cheerful at the moment."

Tia looked horrified about talking about all her emotional scars, but quickly got over it.

"I was captured by evil plastic surgeons when I was two," she explained, "You see, they had an evil plot to turn the human race into bikini models. However, Michael Jackson resued me through our psychic link and returned me to my father. Then some more angst happened. Then I ate a muffin. Then there was more angst, which I'm too angsty to talk about. "

"Wow! Do you think we're soulmates?" Harry asked. Tia nodded.

"You'd be surprised by the statistics, it's actually very likely."

"Cool. Carry on."

"Forsooth and lackaday," Dumbledore said wisely, "A tragedy that is!"

"Word," Ron nodded, "Those plastic surgeons are a bitch, yo."

"Prithee, let ye the ladye speak," Dumbledore reprimanded wisely.

"But verily, all was not well," Tia continued, "A prophecy was spoken."

"By who?"

"My pedicurist."

"Ah."

"It goes:

_Ye olde chav shall hook up with an elfe, _

_And the blue sexy one shall be born,_

_And some angsty stuff will happen _

_And then the Blue One must wed the Tyrant_

The whole Hall gasped in unison, because that's what people do.

"Who did you have to marry?" Harry said in horror. Tia closed her eyes, looking close to tears.

"I married..." she took a deep breath, to build up suspense, "A double glazing salesman."

**I might get a bunch of reviews going 'You think this is funny?' but don't blame me, blame my negligent music teacher who doesn't bother to teach us and leaves us with incompetent physics teachers.**


	2. Chapter 2

Harry and Ron walked into the Common Room, laughing and jostling and calling each other 'mate' and 'bloke' a lot. _A lot. _The author feels it necessary at this point to explain that the aforementioned are British, and therefore speak British.

"Bloody Hell, blokey – mate man!" Ron laughed.

"And I said to the old bird that I had to nip up the apples and pears cos' it was parky and I forgot me weasel!"

They laughed loudly again, but stopped. A melodious noise, not unlike the sound of a cat being trodden on by an elephant in stilettos, graced their ears. They looked over to see Tia sitting on the Common Room floor before the, wailing, moaning and banging her head against the wall.

Immediately their Harry and Ron's respectively green and blue eyes turned into sea-pools of sympathy (which, the author bossily points out, makes perfect sense given the aforementioned colours). But they weren't just pools of sympathy, oh no. Sympathy shone through every cell, every milligram of eyeball tissue, compassion flooded through every pore, understanding and tenderness sumo wrestled for space in their eyeballs.

"Tia?"

Their voices were soft, they were sympathetic, they were gentle. They were unobstrusive, caring, tender, understanding, compassionate and in perfect unison. Tia's tears stopped spilling, but she occasionally snuffled for effect.

"Sorry. I was just suffering in silence, but I must maintain a mask to hide behind while inside my heart ails, deceases, crumples into dust, is eaten by worms, poked by squirrels, bitten by mosquitoes, stung by jellyfish and blistered by uncomfortable new shoes."

Harry keeps up his phenomenally sympathetic exterior, but Ron was confused by some of the longer words in Tia's sentence.

"Tell me about your angst," Harry said softly, "For I can relate to it considering my traumatizing upbringing and all. Although my angst is probably nothing to yours."

Tia raised her deep green eyes to meet Harry's and…

**HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!**

Tia's eyes were GREEN. GREEN as in GREEN! Green as in grass, as in jade, as in mucous, as in seasickness, as in grapes, as in crème de menthe, and in the forth colour as in the rainbow, as in the secondary colour comprised of blue and yellow.

That could mean only one thing.

Tia was Harry's sister! She must be! It was utterly impossible for it to be otherwise, or why the hell would the author introduce her in the first place?

"BLOODY HELL! YOU MUST BE MY SISTER!" Harry yelled.

The author believes it is acceptable to replace any attempt at portraying surprise with copious amounts of capitals and punctuation.

Harry then realized how illogical it was for Tia to be his sister, considering the fact that if he had a sister it was fairly likely that someone might have mentioned it to him before. Anyway, she was at least a year and a half younger than him, and considering the fact that he'd been aged exactly one year and three months when his parents by a Very Nasty and Unpleasantly Odoured Chap, meaning that it was biologically impossible for the two of them to be related.

So we'll turn back time, shall we?

Tia raised her eyes to meet Harry's. He nearly fainted…

**Yes, children, it is me. I have returned, a little rusty and very apologetic, but back nonetheless. Starting that new fic is most definitely on my to do list, in between finish (or start, for that matter) my whopping French project, cleaning out the bottom of my wardrobe and learning how to apply my new liquid eyeliner. So hopefully this should tide you over until my next venture, although for the last few months I've started on an Actual Novel, which is my priority of course. But if you ask _very _nicely….**

**Missy Meee**

**Xxxx to everyone who has waited so patiently**


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